Someone once told me that by the time women hit their mid-twenties, they were too damaged for relationships.
Hearing that fills me with rage, though, at the time, I lacked the depth and emotional awareness to articulate a response beyond "Fuck you, I screwed it up." It's a memory that pops up in my head from time to time, usually when I'm feeling bad or bad about myself. Liz, you damaged goods; just giveup. It's an easy story to play with; After all, we live in a world that values youth, purity, and a Mary-like demeanor over wrinkles, scars, and dreadlocks that have run through the wringer.
a few months ago, I am 34 years old. It was a surprisingly beautiful birthday considering what happened in my year. Nowadays, all of my friends seem to have loving partners. They are often on their second or third child and have a mortgage and regular paychecks. I'm 34, and I still sleep on an air mattress. I know I shouldn't compare myself to others, but I can't help it. I'm up for promotion, I don't know about you guys.
As humans, we seem wired to compare. As a woman, do I even need to finish this sentence?
My perspective has changed a lot each passing year. Recently I was chatting with friends and noticing how self-conscious I was in my early 20s; I was even afraid to take off my shirt over my bathing suit on the beach. After a decade and a lifetime, I couldn't care less.
As time goes by, it settles into my skin more and more. I am defective. I made mistakes. But I also learned to say sorry and grow older than them. While sometimes I find my order falls into that familiar band negative, about hating myself, I learned to myself and say, "Liz, we don't play that game anymore." there always hopefull.
I'm not hurt. I am educated, experienced, empathetic, and above all, self-aware. All the crazy, awful, painful moments I've had in my life tell me who I am and strive to be. Call me crazy, but I think that's a good thing.
While I'm still post-breakup-anger-to-all-men-awful-I-choose-to-be-alone-forever, even I, in my heartache, know I`m not worth it and my device hasn't broken. I upgraded.
I don't know about you guys, but I'm starting to feel like the world is losing empathy and patience.
Recently, I feel that people are more angry, selfish, and less generous. Sometimes, I notice it in myself. Is it because of COVID? inflation? It's as if things that were once easy are now hard. Prices have gone up a lot, and finding people to help or work with is much harder than before. I even feel like I'm noticing people and companies trying to profit in ways they might not have done before.
This seems interesting to me because the hard arenas of lockdowns and border closures seem to be over, but we're only just beginning to taste the impact the past few years have had on us. Are we hardening to conform in a sclerotic world?
God I hope not. We could all use a little more kindness, I think. And sure we can all be kinder to ourselves, too. what do you think?
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