Thank you all for your great replies and dms afterward My part is posting About Blended Families & Bonus Moms - I was doing a Stories Q&A yesterday and realized I had never posted Part 2! I love being able to have a more open conversation about blended families and motherhood as an extra mom.
Schedules/lifestyle
Q: Do you spend a lot of time with Cody's ex-wife? Are you guys hanging out?
A. I'm really grateful that we all got a long time.
One of the things I wish was different for me growing up, was that when my parents divorced they were friends (I love both of my parents very much and I know no family is perfect, but it was hard sometimes to feel that tension). They lived across the country from each other, so they didn't have to see each other often. When I would go visit my mom I would fly by myself (I don't know if they still do that but I started at 5 or 6 and my parents would take me to the gate and then you would sit in the back row by the flight attendant and make the flight on your own. I already have a lot of memories having fun with super cute flight attendants and playing with me.I guess that's also part of the reason I learned to be completely independent at a young age, traveling alone never scared me but anyway...), but I still always had this awkward nervousness whenever they are in the same room. I remember worrying even on my wedding day about making sure both parents felt they were being given equal attention and love. And maybe it was something I created in my head, but it made me want to make it a priority when we got married that we have a good relationship with Cody's ex, so the kids never feel that stressed or stressed, and so we can all go to kids' events and it's not embarrassing. Again, this wasn't an overnight thing, it took years to get to this point. Especially if this mode is new, it will take a lot of time. But as a kid who's been on this side of divorce, that was one thing I really wanted different for our kids.
Time, time, time! I think it all takes time, but I love talking to their mom about the kids and sharing the excitement of the things they're doing, or the things they're learning or going through. We all sit next to each other at most children's games and events, it's in a good place.
s. Do you have a say in making all decisions related to schools and the like. How do you deal with this aspect?
Long story short, I have nothing to say haha. Cody talked to me about it, but that's one of the tricky parts of being an extra mom, you love your bonus kids and help raise them, but in my case I'm not really a decision maker. I mean day in and day out what Cody and I do decide, but the bigger decisions Cody and his ex-wife both work on.
s. As bonus moms/dads, are you involved in hooking up with his ex or just Cody?
A: In our case, Cody and his former co-worker mostly work out the details. Obviously there are times when Cody is still at work or out of town or something, so I'm picking up/dropping off the kids, etc. But the majority of communication is between her and Cody. We recently started a group text for sports and school scheduling and sometimes we share pictures of the kids from school or sports as well, but most of the scheduling goes through them.
s. How do you deal with frustration because of your children's schedule?
c. One of the things I've taken the time to realize and understand is that when you're a father and a husband (not always the case, but at least in my situation) even if you all get along, at the end of the day you have very little to say about vacations and school schedules and plans just in general. For me, the person who likes to plan ahead and be in control, sometimes it's hard. For example when we were trying to plan a trip and I was asking Cody if he texted the kids mom to make sure certain days are working and I want instant answers to things 😂 and he's like I haven't spoken to her yet and I'm calling now well what's the catch I eventually realized that 1) sometimes you don't get instant answers because they live a very straightforward life and you can't expect instant responses all the time and 2) things take more time to coordinate and plan than they do with your kids, so you have to plan a little bit in advance.
s. Do you have full custody? How often and for how long do bonus babies stay with you?
A: We have joint custody so that changes. Right now we have every 2 weeks for Thursday/Friday and then the next week 4 days from Thursday to Sunday.
s. Would you ever travel without the bonus kids?
A: I think our situation is a little different because we love to travel and also travel a bit for work, but we always make sure to plan all our "big trips" for when we can go together as a family. For example, we usually take a big two-week trip every summer and always do it with all the kids. (One exception like spring break - we swap years with their mom for spring break so if Mara and Wes are with their mom those days we'll still take Beckham and Ollie on a spring break trip). If your family usually takes one or two trips a year, I would definitely try to make it work to include everyone. We have so much fun when we travel with all the kids and Beckham and Ollie love being with Mara and Wes as much as we do so we wish we could always travel together but it doesn't always work out that way. This is another thing you realize after you have your kids - both parents want as much time as possible with their kids. If it's hard to get extra days or to switch tour schedules, try to have perspective and realize that their other parent wants to hang out with them as much as possible, too. Not to say it's never bad or their parties are still frustrating, but this kind of situation is "what it is". But honestly, it always feels like something is missing when we travel with them.
s. Do they go to school 30 minutes away? How does this work?
A: They used to live 10 minutes away from us for about 8 years, and recently they moved 2 towns away. I'm so thankful they're still within driving distance because growing up, that wasn't the case, so I'm thankful we still get to see them often. But it definitely made it more difficult, especially now that they're both playing multiple sports, and Mara and Wes are in two different schools (middle and elementary) going at different times. Everyone has different after-school practices and schedules, so it's busy, but hungry, they're still close.
s. Are they open to talking about the things they do with their mom around you?
A: I feel like they're very open with us, but I guess I wouldn't actually know how much they choose to share. I know as a kid I would sometimes get nervous telling the other parent what I was doing when I was with my other parent (even now sometimes, haha really) because I didn't want to make the other parent feel bad, so I hope Mara and Wes don't feel That way but I also think I can't know 100% for sure because we're not with them 24/7.
s. How do you guys split first or special times with their mom and you guys?
We didn't have a lot of firsts as we couldn't seem to be somewhere to back them up. For the first time at Disney, we asked the kids' mom if we could take them but other than that, there weren't a lot of times when we needed to split up first.
Q: How do you handle holidays/birthdays?
It has kind of changed over the years. We always swear by Christmas - I know that's not common. I think a lot of people do every other birthday. Thanksgiving and Spring Break alternate each year. Sometimes, Easter falls on Spring Break, etc. Birthdays have changed — sometimes we alternate years and sometimes we stick to the schedule. When they were younger, one would get them for the night before and half of their birthday, and then the other would get them for the other half of the day and night. In the beginning, I think everyone was squeamish and it was time for micromanagement and things have calmed down since then. I would get into the mentality of trying to make sure everything was "fair". But in a blended family, it is impossible to make everything 100% fair.
We'll also have traditions that we do every year with the kids, like carving pumpkins and decorating gingerbread houses. And we'll wait to do these traditions until we have Mara and Wes with us so we can do it together as a family. I think it makes the holidays feel more special and we are more interested in our time together during those times.
the support:
s. Do you feel you need to know about other rewarding moms for support? I don't have anyone in my life.
A: I know like one or two other moms do, but now that I think about it, I don't know if I talked to them much about it. My wife is a mom and of course I talked to her 🙂 We have two step dads within our extended family, but other than that I feel like my physical circle of bonus moms is pretty small. If you're joining an online group of other blended families, I'd look for someone whose goal is a positive family environment - there are a lot of people who can get very negative and that energy will only detract. But I think rewarding moms can be a great support for each other.
Discipline/Parenting for Blended Families:
s. Did you do any discipline when they were younger?
A: Yes, but nothing significant.
s. How not to step on any toes / Do you feel you can discipline them? Do you ever set limits or is it Kodi's "job"?
A: I never want Mara and Wes to feel like they're being treated differently, so we try to say consistency in everything and that includes discipline and rules. Ex: If they made a mess in the living room with Beckham, I wouldn't have Beckham just clean it up. And if they don't listen, and they're kids and sometimes they don't listen to her, they get a different chore. But I do this exact thing for all the kids.
I will 10000% say to Kodi though, will you be the enforcer this time, I don't want them to hate me. And sometimes he does, and other times it's like you're still a mom to them, they love you and it's okay for them to have consequences. I think it measures my mood haha. I've been in their lives over 10 years, and I know they love me, but sometimes I still worry "what if they think I'm such an evil mom!" So I guess you measure out what feels most natural and comfortable to you.
s. Do you give your rewards to the kids chores?
A: 100%, but all kids do weekly chores (--one thing we feel very strongly about Cody is teaching our kids work ethic, so obviously that applies to all kids). To us, it wouldn't make sense if only Beckham and Ollie did the weekly chores and Mara and Wes sat on the couch. We are a family and we all have responsibilities.
Did you feel guilty about it? There are times when it's the last hour or two before Mara and Wes go back to their mom's house and Cody tells them they need to clean up the mess and pick up the room, tell him they only have an hour left and let them just have fun. He says no, they're still our kids, and they have to take their responsibilities, which we really would do with Beckham and Ollie. So, the times that I'm a little more lenient about chores or getting on with them is before they leave, but during normal days they do the same things my kids do. (And Cody is really good at being consistent no matter the circumstances).
Well, that concludes this post! Many of you have questions or advice about dealing with biological mothers or having a relationship with bonus babies - I really want to be an open book and share as much as I can, so I'll keep that for the next few posts, including tips for extra moms and tips for biological moms since I've had some Questions from you guys too ❤️ I've loved hearing from you all about your blended families and how much your kids love rewards!
XX, Christine
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